Taking it… deep.

Dear Jessica,

Help! I have the WORST gag reflex. When giving my S/O oral sex, I just can’t seem to get him in. He’s on the large/average size length and girth, so it’s not that I’m with one of my book boyfriends with porn cock. I just don’t know what to do. He enjoys what I’m able to do with my mouth and tongue, but I want to be able to surprise him with more skills. What can I do to make it easier on me?


Dear Gagging,

Women and men over the world have been asking this question for years. When I worked selling sex toys, one of the most popular buys was a throat (and anal, but that’s another post) numbing gel so the ladies could get their men in deeper.

I’m not being sexist. I never had a man at my parties!

I’ll let you in on a secret. Those. Gels. Do. Not. Work.

They (normally) taste awful, and while they make your mouth numb, they don’t fix the cause of the problem.

It all comes down to that pesky little gag reflex. For most women (about 70%), the gag reflex is triggered by an object touching either the back of your throat, roof of your mouth, tonsils, and back of your tongue. Basically, anything past the molars can trigger it.

If you have a gag reflex, you can just jump in and make it disappear. You need to train your body not to gag. This takes time and some patience, but eventually it will work (and by work, I mean you may still have the initial reaction, yet you can push past it).

Firstly, learn where your “tipping” point is and how its triggered. I’ve read lots of sites that mention trying with a toothbrush – but let’s face it: Men aren’t toothbrushes. Or fingers. Or Popsicle sticks. They’re much thicker, and using a thin, flat, instrument isn’t going to give you the best, fastest, results.

Use something phallic-shaped – a small banana, a cucumber, a dildo, and – you guessed it – stick it in your mouth. Let it explore… move it around in circles, press it up to the roof of your mouth and down towards your throat, hit your tonsils, everything. You want to get a good measure for where your “weaknesses” are. You may notice some parts of your mouth have less of a reflex than others. Start there.

If the roof of your mouth and throat is less sensitive, practice by placing the (I’m going to use this example going forward) dildo in your mouth, and angle it towards the least-sensitive area. Allow it to go as far as possible until your gag reflex sets in.  Once it does – leave the dildo there for 5-10 seconds, or as long as you can stand. Don’t move it in or out, keep it steady.

Yes, this will be uncomfortable. You’re body is going to react. You may start to cry. That’s ok. What you’re doing is training your body to “relax” when it’s triggered. You’re throat will stop spazzing, but it needs to know nothing is wrong.

Practice this a few times a week, each time trying to push the dildo in a bit further. Over time, you’ll notice a major difference. Once you feel you’ve gotten “far enough”, you can practice hitting your gag reflex while moving the dildo in and out, now mimicking oral sex.

The last, almost most important part, is your breathing. Long, slow, breaths will always calm your central nervous system. It’s science. As you’re practicing, try to breathe through your nose… for two reasons.

One – it’s easier. People naturally breathe through our noses without thinking about it. When doing something uncomfortable or new, the more you can work with your body instead of against it, the faster you’ll learn the task.

Two – your man’s going to be in your mouth! It’s not always easy to gulp in large amounts of air while your tongue and throat are otherwise occupied. Especially while sucking – it’s impossible. If you can practice breathing while simultaneously suppressing your gag reflex, you’ll be more relaxed and in turn, can take him deeper.

Then… surprise your man by swallowing that dick!

Remember, it does take time. I’m also going to warn you – it’s harder to deep throat in the morning. Even though you’re relaxed while waking up, you’re muscles haven’t had the time to stretch. It can make it more difficult. Also, and this should be self-explanatory but we sometimes forget – if you get him down your throat, at some points, you won’t be able to breathe. This is why practicing helps. You’ll train your body not to go into “panic mode” and rather, go with the… flow (hahaha I love puns).

There’s something incredibly sexy and empowering about giving oral. Their sighs, moans, the sweet little “oh, fuck”, mmmmm. Regardless of how deep you can go, have fun. Show enthusiasm. That counts for more than anything else.




***Jessica is a Licensed Therapist and Romance Author. Answers are meant for entertainment purposes and should not be used in place of actively seeking therapy for love, sex, or intimacy issues.***

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