Keeping her in the “friend zone”.


I’m not sure what to do. My best friend (female) has hinted recently she wants to move our relationship from friends to potentially more. I’ve told her in the past I thought I was bisexual, and she’s seen me hook up with other women – when drunk. The problem is, I’m just not attracted to her. I don’t want to hurt her feelings. How do I let her down gently?


Dear Worried,

There are a few points here to discuss.

Firstly, you mentioned you “think” you’re bisexual and you’ve hooked up with other women – when drunk. By your wording, I’m not sure if you agree you’re bisexual, or are like many women who can appreciate another great looking woman – and sometimes kiss them.

Are you interested in having a relationship in women, just not her, or does the idea of kissing a woman sound fun, but not a full-on sexual relationship? This seems to be the first question you really need to answer for yourself.

Regardless if you are questioning your sexuality or not, the simple answer here is again the truth: You’re trying to discover yourself, and don’t know what you want.

Now, if she doesn’t accept that answer (and if she is you’re best friend, then she should accept any answer which isn’t cruel or degrading), you can take it a step further. Let her know you appreciate her friendship too much for the possibility of a relationship coming between you.

Because that’s what it ultimately comes down to. If you didn’t want to risk losing the friendship, you would have already told her you’re simply not attracted to her. The fact you want to “let her down easy” indicates she is incredibly important to you.

Whichever way you choose, be prepared for her taking it hard. As your best friend, she’s probably aware you’re “undecided”. It probably took her a lot to bring the topic up with you, and being turned down, no matter how gently, sucks. Do not – no matter how drunk you get – hook up with her! This would only be leading her on, and would be unnecessarily cruel considering you already know she’s not the one for you.


***Jessica is a Licensed Therapist and Romance Author. Answers are meant for entertainment purposes and should not be used in place of actively seeking therapy for love, sex, or intimacy issues.***

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