BDSM or BDSDon’t

Jessica,

I need some advice! When meeting someone you’re interested in developing a relationship with, what is the best, most tactful way to inquire if they are into BDSM? If it matters, and I’m sure it does, I’m a Dom, and prefer women who are submissive. Not really into administering pain, or most other things that go with the term BDSM. Pretty much just D/s. How would your recommend initiating that conversation?

~ Inquiring

Dear Inquiring,

Nowadays, it seems everyone at least has BDSM on their radar. The days of it being taboo and only discussed in secret are over. In this vein, it’s no different than discussing the topic of sex in general.

Let’s be frank for a moment. Sex is an important part of any relationship. You need to know what both you and you’re partner are expecting. If you have the sex drive of an 18 year old male, and his sex drive tanked five years ago and would rather cuddle, you both are going to be disappointed. It’s  better to know this information ahead of time. It shouldn’t be the first question you ask, but this is part of the “getting to know you stage”.

There are few ways to bring this topic up, and largely depend on the relationship you’re in: Did you just meet online and are only messaging each other? First date? First night together? Six months in and want to try something new?

Each scenario will be slightly different. The best way to discover someone’s likes is often the simplest – ask them.

Questions such as: “What are you looking for in a relationship?” or “Why did your last relationship end?” can segue into this topic. You can even use the current “Old Faithful” route of “have you read 50 Shades… what do you think?”

If you’ve been with someone quite some time and want to see if they’re interested without the dreaded (OMG) words, watch for cues during sex.

When on top, pin her hands above her head (gently) and gauge her reaction – or, look into her eyes as you place her hands above her head and tell her not to move. Does she gasp, smile, squirm? Bite his neck, or thigh, or nipple… see if he moans or tries to pull away. Take her on a fancy date, and as you undress tell her you want to “try” something as you gently place your tie around her eyes. All the while – pay attention to their reaction. I cannot stress this enough. Just because YOU are excited, doesn’t mean they are.

Afterwards, TALK about it. Let her know you enjoyed XYZ and see if she did too. Once you’ve been given the “green light”, you can try to bring more into the bedroom. Surprise him by buying a pair of handcuffs; tell her how you’re going to “punish” her later on for something you’re joking about now (“You changed Family Guy on me? I’m going to smack that ass later tonight for that.”)

Regardless of how deep into the BDSM world you want to travel, you must remember communication and trust are key factors. Safe words are a must, and MUST be obeyed. If you find yourself in a situation someone is not abiding by the safe words, or not listening when you tell them you are NOT comfortable with something – this is NOT BDSM. This is abuse.

Please don’t confuse the two.

***Jessica is a Licensed Therapist and Romance Author. Answers are meant for entertainment purposes and should not be used in place of actively seeking therapy for love, sex, or intimacy issues.***

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